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The Dos and Don’ts of New Years Festivities

As we prepare to say adieu to 2012 and welcome 2013 I have been waxing nostalgic about the ghosts of New Years Eves past.

I’ve had some pretty good New Years celebrations in my time, but I’ve also had some horribly bad ones. Standouts include the time I walked home from the city in shoes so flimsy I tore the skin off both my feet and spent the next few days in hospital; the time I got dumped on New Years Day; and the time I got stood up by all my friends and the boy I was seeing and ended up seeing in the new year with a group of strangers who stole my wallet. 

Now I generally spend December 31 holed up in a country house somewhere with a few good friends, a lot of cheese and a stack of board games. I highly recommend this to those of you who hate crowds/love board games/are old.

Anyway, I thought it fitting that my final Dos and Don’ts column for the year be New Years themed. Ignore my advice at will/your own peril.

DO make a list of New Years Resolutions.

DON’T expect to stick to any of them beyond January 31.

DO go out on New Years Eve. YOLO, etc.

DON’T expect to have a good time. Nobody has a good time on New Years Eve. Not even Ashton Kutcher and that annoying girl from Glee.

DO eat pork and sauerkraut on New Years Eve. According to Pennsylvania Dutch tradition, this will bring good luck to you and your family in the New Year. The Pennsylvania Dutch eat pork because pigs root forward with their noses when they eat, so it’s symbolic of looking forward to good things in the upcoming year.

DON’T f-ck with the Pennsylvania Dutch.

DO pay an obscene amount of money to go to an obscenely crowded venue and party with obscenely obnoxious people because that DJ you heard of once is playing.

DON’T say I didn’t warn you.

DO leave the city with a group of friends and a truckload of food and wine.

DON’T forget your toothbrush/ability to share.

DO drink responsibly and with class.

DON’T be a drunk loser. Nobody likes a drunk loser. Except for other drunk losers and they’re drunk losers.

DO line up your midnight kiss in advance, possibly days in advance.

DON’T be surprised when he kisses somebody else.

DO watch the fireworks. THEY ARE GIANT EXPLODING COLOUR PARTIES IN THE SKY.

DON’T tell me that doesn’t impress you. Do you have no soul?

DO have a plan for getting home, or at least for getting to somebody’s home. Not being able to get home is the number one cause of New Years Eve related public breakdowns.  

DON’T rely on taxis. They will never come.

DO take flat shoes, ID, a credit card, a jumper/jacket, condoms and your phone charger with you. You never know what might happen.

DON’T look at me in that tone of voice. I’m just trying to help.

DO make sure there is ice cream in your freezer, bacon/a weird vegetarian bacon substitute in your fridge, and at least three seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer in your DVD collection. You’ll need them on January 1.

DON’T expect any of your friends to bring these things to you, no matter how many times you text or call them demanding they do so. Your friends are selfish a-holes.

DO have a quiet New Years Eve and a big New Yew Years Day. Mix it up a little; you’re only young once!

Actually, DO party all through December 31 AND January 1. I was young once too, I know how you young people roll in the hizzay.

DON’T forget the ice cream and the bacon and the Buffy for January 2. The same rules apply.

DO above all else be safe, sensible and surrounded by loved ones.

DON’T – actually there’s no don’t here. HAPPY NEW YEAR!


Lead image via Shutterstock

2 comments so far..

  • Amanda87's avatar
    Commenter
    Amanda87
    Date and time
    Friday 28 Dec 2012 - 12:52 PM
    Why did I just read this?

    Just being honest but this just is NOT at ALL FUNNY. Or amusing. Or humourous. At all. Perhaps I just dont get you - but I also dont get why you were allowed to post this list of total rubbish. It's stupid. I mean look at this hipster. You are not funny.

    Please.. someone take this down before another person loses 60 seconds of their life reading this drivel and then a further 5 minutes because they are so anooyed they are then compelled to post about this ridiculous waste of time, space and basically everything.

    If you've not read the above - then don't.
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  • Wifeshusband's avatar
    Commenter
    Wifeshusband
    Date and time
    Friday 28 Dec 2012 - 6:46 PM
    Oh dear Amanda, I'm guessing you wouldn't much like Nadine's earlier work of "Models being sexy with spoons" either.

    This comment has been flagged.
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