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Seeing Stars - March Horoscopes

Aries

You’ve been talking about it for years, Aries, but this March is the month you’ll finally get yourself a wise-cracking sidekick. The only question left is what it will be! A car is cool and tough and appeals to men. A shopping bag full of shoes is nice for attracting a female following. Turtles are another good choice: it is very easy to make a turtle into a toy, or a cartoon. Choose carefully!

Taurus

Are you good or are you bad? Is there a halo hanging over your head? Or is there a rolled up magazine in your pocket with a cartoon illustration on the front of a smiling youth in a topical parody? Are you a grown up adult or do you still read MAD Magazine. Look, I’m not actually asking. I know you still read MAD Magazine and you are too god dang old for it. Cut it out.

Gemini

Everyone needs a project. Your project for March is READ  THE  BOOK  OF  REVELATIONS  ALOUD  AND  BACKWARDS.  SLEEP  WITH  YOUR  BED  FACING  EAST.  ACQUIRE  AS  MUCH  BLOOD  AS  YOU  CAN. It’s an unusual project but I asked the stars and that’s what they said.

Cancer

FACT: we are all made of atoms that were created billions of years ago by exploding stars and whatnot. That doesn’t mean that you can be used a substitute for a torch or lantern! Stop taking groups of Boy Scouts out into the woods at night and promising to illuminate their path. The authorities will catch up with you soon.

Leo

With Saturn in a blue house it seems to be a great month for renovations. But don’t rush in! Most brands of nailgun have logos that look like different parts of your body pierced with nails. That one looks like your foot with a nail in it. See, it’s even wearing your shoes. That one looks like your face with nails in it. There’s one nailgun brand that doesn’t feature your person horrifically skewered. Can you find it?

Virgo

You really don't know how wonderful you are! You don’t know anything, in fact, and it’s very sad. You’re not aware of the iron lung that maintains your breathing or the drip that keeps your body nourished and hydrated. You’re in a coma! There was an accident! It was very awful, that’s really all I can say.

Libra

You’ve always wanted to charter a boat out to the deep ocean to watch the whales play, but this month there’s an 80% chance you’ll unwittingly offend the curmudgeonly boat captain and he’ll refuse you passage. More likely than not, you’ll stand on the harbour breakwall, staring wistfully at the sunset as the boat disappears over the horizon. Guess you’ll never see them whales.

Scorpio

Scorpio, you might be saying “yes” to things you should be saying “no” to. Put down that cup of codeine cough syrup! Yes, the rap videos you've been watching runneth over with purple drank, but this isn’t Atlanta and you’re not Pimp C. Put the cup down, Scorpio. Put it down!

Jennifer Lawrence

Were you born between November 22 and December 21? Do you feel fresh and youthful, comfortable in your body and with a refreshing awareness of the ridiculousness of your own burgeoning celebrity? It’s a simple explanation: this month, Sagittarius has been replaced with Jennifer Lawrence. Have you seen Silver Lining Playbooks? Did you think she was wonderful opposite Brimley Cooper? And in The Hungry Games. Seems so normal like you could hang out with her. Very nice actress, ha ha ha!

Capricorn

It’s confronting to realise that sometimes a person will work tirelessly and courageously at something and throw all of their talent and passion and resourcefulness into it and still fail and be left poor and dispirited with no hope of redemption. Confronting, but absolutely true and just a fact of life. This will probably happen to you in March.

Aquarius

Stop where you are. Don’t turn around. A yawning chasm has opened behind you in an absolutely literal sense. Can you hear the wind whistling past you? It is whistling over the chasm. Far below, a desert. Scorched red earth. A telephone is ringing. You may not answer it.

Pisces

It’s your month, my fishy friend. Avoid closing your mouth around any hooks; particularly those that stretch mysteriously down from the heavens offering a delicately pierced canape. They are a trap and they will see you killed dead and served as food. I am very sorry.

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