The longest election - the drinking game!
Who's saying what
I think we're all in agreeance: this is going to be the most vapid, vacuous, grinding, soulless, dispiriting and most importantly longest election campaign ever held in this country. As we speak, there are 222 days left between now and the 14th of September. Or, to put it in another, more depressing way, 19.2 million seconds of your life which you will spend hearing the apparatchiks and attack dogs of the Labor and Liberal parties churning out insipid, focus group-approved taglines in lieu of substantive debate or personal charisma.
[Although, to be frank, Julia Gillard's announcement last week barely touched the surface. I think old mate Tony can be fairly accused of having run his election campaign since some point during Rob Oakeshott's speech on September 7, 2010.]
As I see it, the only option is to spend these 19.2 million seconds of your life in a constant state of high inebriation. To which end I have compiled this fun, convenient drinking game to help you watch the seconds simply fly by! So put down whatever productive thing it is you're doing, grab a six-pack of your state/territory's finest and let's get to drinking the pain away.
The Longest Election - The Drinking Game!
Every time Tony Abbott pins something completely unrelated to the carbon tax on the carbon tax - drink
If that thing involves a strangled and bloody metaphor - double drink.
If that thing involves no skerrick of evidence or policy whatsoever - triple drink.
If that thing then becomes accepted as if it were truth - quadruple drink.
Every time Julia Gillard has to answer a question about the security of her leadership - press your face firmly and sharply into the nearest available wall. Then drink.
Every time a paper runs a story about Julia's policy positions right next to a story about her fashion choices - drink.
Every time Julia Gillard has to defend her own personal integrity due to the actions of people that have nothing to do with her - drink.
Every time Julia or her lieutenants say they have the trust of the entire party with a straight face - drink.
Every time either side of politics invokes Hitler, the Holocaust or any of the actions of the Nazi party as a fair analogy for the political ructions of one of the safest, most peaceful democracies on Earth - five drinks
Every time the Liberal party lies about the health of the Australian economy - drink.
Every time somebody you know repeats said lie and then tells you that one of the world's strongest economies is tanking - weep into a cup. Then drink the tears.
Every time Tony Abbott gives the sort of media performance that would be unacceptable in a race for Year 7 class President - drink.
Every time the Australian tries to undo the damage with an editorial that is more Rupert Murdoch's personal jizz pile than it is words - double drink.
Every time the Australian pretends that it's a fair and balanced paper of repute - drink.
Every time any media outlet in Australia repeats an attack line from either party as if it's actual fact - drink.
Every time a local paper runs a photo of a family looking sad on the front porch outside their palatial house next to a story about how ordinary Australians are being hurt by the carbon tax/mining tax/rising cost of living/other made up point of anxiety - drink.
Every time you spend 15 minutes or more hate reading the comments on The Drum - drink.
Any time a major party candidate talks about Indigenous issues - HAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, Indigenous issues. What is this? 2007?
If Tony Abbott releases a real policy - that probably deserves champagne.
If Tony Abbott gets asked a real, piercing question about his policies - that probably deserves champagne.
If Tony Abbott refuses to answer the question, or simply leaves the press conference - drink.
Every time the Greens demand to be taken seriously - drink.
Every time Bob Katter's Australia Party demands to be taken seriously - think about this image and then just chug a can of XXXX.
If Tony Abbott gets replaced by Malcolm Turnbull - put the gun back in the top drawer.
If Tony Abbott gets replaced by Barnaby Joyce - do an entire 8-ball of heroin.
If Julia Gillard gets replaced by Kevin Rudd - look around at your doubting friends, yell "I told you so!", then drink.
If Julia Gillard gets replaced by anyone except Kevin Rudd - continue to stare blankly at the ceiling while 'Karma Police' plays on loop in the background.
If Julia Gillard gets replaced by Barack Obama - rainbow puppy party!
If neither Julia Gillard or Tony Abbott get replaced - start researching liveable caves.
If Julia Gillard wins - breathe a small sigh of relief. Then realise we're back to the status quo. Drink.
If Tony Abbott wins - roll the image of this small, petulant, insecure man meeting Barack Obama for the first time as our elected face to the world. Flee.
Pass out. Wake up in three years. Drink.