Glossy Watch: March
We begin with Cleo’s summery white cover, featuring Lauren Conrad. She’s wearing a skirt that resembles a fluffy accordion, which she looks like she’s awkwardly trying to play. She also looks like she’s consumed happy juice, and her publicist has given you the top five buys to look hot RIGHT NOW. (Probably at a budget only someone wearing accordion skirts can afford.)
More importantly though, we have a cover with italicised words, for emphasis. After all, there’s a difference between “are your friends really having more sex than you?” and “are your friends really having more sex than you?”, the latter of which hints at distrust and a complete destruction of the sisterhood.
But before you dismiss Cleo as a standard glossy, it delves into deep exploration of oneself, asking such profound questions as “Could you go 48 hours without talking about yourself?” The fine print shows that it’s written by a narcissist, but nonetheless it’s something to think about.
And what glossy would be complete without an ode to dream hair? In a 10-page special, you’re aided in your quest to ‘get dream hair!’ - wait for it - today, tomorrow and forever! Awww. (I added the exclamation mark this time).
BEST LINE: from a story about the world’s most famous pick-up artist. I didn’t know we had famous pick-up artists, but I guess we mean ‘famous’ in the same way Uncle Joe’s famous meat pies are famous.
“You’d be surprised how many men are relieved to be picked up.”
Said no person, ever.
BEST BIG SISTER MOMENT: comes in a story about being ‘flawsome’ (i.e. having flaws but still awesome). It includes famous people with famous flaws to make you feel better, namely Megan Fox, who apparently has acne scars. There’s also Halle Berry’s oversized eye. Which EXPLAINS SO MUCH about uneven eyes, because I sometimes look like a mutant in my selfies.