The Seven Most Vaginal Kardashian Moments
I always thought calling the Kardashians “morally bankrupt” was a cheap cut. With book deals, designer socks and sham weddings that gross over $20 million, who needs silly things like ethics and values? These women are paid to squirt breast milk into their sister’s skin ailments while their brothers accidentally drink their step-dad’s Viagra-spiked coffee.
For fans that have stuck by the Kardashians for seasons of self-inflicted drama, storylines as fake as their weaves and faux-controversies that sometimes – though not always – involve a mother-of-six’s ostensible urine-control problems, last week’s episode of Kourtney and Kim Take Miami seemed to receive an unfair amount of vitriol. Anyone who is well acquainted with the show – or at the very least the tabloid circus that it invariably feeds – would be in no way shocked (never mind appalled) by Kim and Kourtney’s koochie-off.
If you failed to watch the pivotal TV moment, let’s recap together. Khloe, 28, tells her two older sisters that she read drinking pineapple juice makes your vagina taste sweeter, and, keen to put the old wives tale to test, Kourtney and Kim decided to hold reality TV’s first ever vagina-off (not even the ever-inventive Snooki and JWoww could birth a contest so crude), in which Khloe would sniff her sisters’ respective “krotch kremes” and judge who boasts the sweeter scent.
Kourtney and Kim thus drink litres of pineapple juice, and after some silly sisterly banter – “Kim you’re so gor-gina... sometimes I want to put my d-ck in your mouth” (Khloe)/ “Speaking of gor-gina, how does your vagina smell today?” (Kourtney) – it was time for Kris Jenner’s (no doubt she was the mastermind behind this gem) two eldest daughters to make their way to the bathroom and wipe their newly-infused fruity fluids on cloth so Khloe could judge who holds the fairer kitty.
Before she announced the winner, the ever pragmatic Khloe explained, “Do I want to be the judge of the pineapple pussies? Not really, but we’re sisters... if I can’t smell their pussies what else am I supposed to do?” And to viewers who only have brothers (present not excluded) she made a salient point: what else do sisters do?
Anyway, SPOILER ALERT: Kim’s Kanye-instilled box won over Lord Dissick’s man-eating haunt – “Honestly, I will say that Kim’s pussy smells best – she’s the winner.” – and that was that. The twittersphere pretended to be shocked (like they haven’t seen Kim’s sex tape) and TV’s most vulgar family assumed their perennial position at “rock bottom”.
Now before we put our judging hats on, let’s just point out that this not even close to the first lurid vagina moment the beloved KKK has graced our airwaves with.
There was the time Kim complimented Khloe on her lady bits when she took her for her first laser hair removal treatment:
Kim: “You have a better, like, looking vagina than I thought.”
Khloe: “What? What did you think my vagina was going to look like?”
Kim: “I don’t know, I never looked at your vagina. I thought it was, like, a shaved rashy vagina.”
Khloe: “I have a nice ass, too.”
Then there was the time Kourtney kindly offered to give Khloe a brazillian (“It will be fun to rip out Khloé’s pubes one by one!”):
And who could forget the time the KKK appeared on LIVE – as in, non-scripted – TV to reveal the secret to a shiny cho-cha was generous mayonnaise application? Never mind the moment when Kourtney took it upon herself to deliver her child, turning reality TV into the sex education class Middle America never had:
And let's briefly reminisce about Kourtney's sheer love of natural excrement, when she inadvertently celebrated the fruits of her flaming lips by wiping her urine all over her baby daddy:
In the words of Mr D himself, “who does that?”
Well, the Kardashians do. So next time we pretend to be shocked by one of their scripted sessions, let’s take a moment to remember these seven critical pseudo-dramas and remind ourselves that while the context may be new, we’ve seen the vulgar vulva content before.
Lead image via imageshack.