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My Kitchen Rules Recap - Week 5

Before we talk about last night’s episode of My Kitchen Rules - the episode where everything changed from being Come Dine With Me with teams to MasterChef with teams - I would like it if we could acknowledge the truth in a comment left on TheVine’s Facebook page by Facebook user Joel Patrick D’Arcy:

“YOU DIDN'T EVEN TALK ABOUT HOW AWFUL LISA IS!! Those other gatecrashers might be trash talking every dish and acting up for the camera because the producers want them to, but they still gave Sam and Ali a 7 which is a pretty fair score at the end of the day. Lisa just sits through all the dinner conversation with her pointy nose up in the air and then at the end when Stefano says they'll score a seven she's like "NOPE, FOUR!!" and she gave the previous two teams a ONE!!!”

An excellent point! At the start of this season I decided Lisa was probably a nice person who was controlling because she had a guileless man-baby to contend with. It turns out she is much worse than that and I failed to detect the change because I did not challenge my own preconceptions of this meaningless person on this meaningless show and I apologise for that. She was mean and whiny and bad! And bad at cooking food! Joel is right! Lisa was awful but now she is gone. Let’s get on with it!

All of the surviving teams gather at Kitchen HQ. Are they going to cook some food in this enormous TV kitchen place? Get the fuck out, idiot! Their job today is to go to an apartment block in Potts Point (?) and cook food in tiny, drab kitchens (?) for the residents’ annual block party at an undisclosed third location (?). Sure. They are told to decide who will cook main courses and who will cook desserts. Manu announces “Desserts to the left, mains to the right.” OOH, STUCK IN THE MIDDLE MANU. (Good joke!)

First, the teams visit Coles for an extremely necessary shopping montage. What do you want? It’s necessary. Love Coles. Love that supermarket. Craig & Kerrie face off with Angela & Melina over who gets to cook lamb and win! Angela & Melina cook beef. Kieran and Nastassia cook kangaroo. Some other people cook some other meats, whatever. Then they all head over to the weird warehouse that these people are having their “block party” in!

Let me be frank with you: I have never lived in the kind of neighbourhood where people cared about each other enough to have a block party so I don’t really know the rules. But my pop culture training tells me that block parties should be outside, rather than in a converted warehouse, and involve lots of people, rather than 50, and be about dancing or something rather than food, and be hosted by Dave Chappelle rather than Pete & Manu. Anyway! The dessert teams are in charge of decorating and Ashlee (of Ashlee & Sophia) volunteers to be in charge, but the responsibility is instead given to Jenna (of Jenna & Joanna). Ashlee is miffed! She makes the very good point that if Jenna loves design so much then why is she wearing fuchsia and red, which is very hard to argue with.

Meanwhile, the main course teams are cooking! Cook cook cook. Kieran and Nastassia are cooking their kangaroo with a bordelaise sauce but adding redcurrant jelly to it. You know, it’s funny how after a while the cues and shorthand of a reality show can so totally invade your brain that you can know instinctively, with absolute clarity, when something is a bad idea. For instance: casual viewers of My Kitchen Rules may not realise that adding sugary jelly to a classic French sauce and serving it to the FRENCH judge who loves SAUCE and literally takes offense when the iconic food of his homeland is altered in any way is FUCKING SUICIDE. But I know that! And you probably know it as well. Whatever. They all cook their meat and vegetables with reasonable success and then gush about how great it looks. Hey, guys, it looks like you all made platters of sliced meat atop vegetables?

Nothing wrong with that. That’s fine. Next, the dessert teams begin their cooking. Dan observes to Steph, “I think these people eat out a lot, Steph. I really do”, which is a wonderful observation. They cook a pavlova, while Jake & Elle cook a crusted pear and Ashlee & Sophia cook a chocolate berry tart and Jenna & Joanna cook a croquembouche. Dessert dessert dessert. The burning question of why NO ONE goes through the stuff of the people who own the apartments is still not answered. Why NOT forage! I would steal things from their bathroom or, SPICIER YET, their bedroom and I would cook it!! “I’m serving up a caramelized dildo with a multivitamin reduction,” that’s what I would say and do. Ha ha ha.

Everyone cooks their food and I don’t need to tell you that Jenna freaks out and cries. That OBVIOUSLY happens, let’s not waste time on it. All the people at the “block party” agree that all the food is just super terrific and wonderful and they love eating it on a long table in a sparsely decorated converted warehouse. It’s agreed! Angela & Melina win People’s Choice for this:

Kieran and Nastassia go to a sudden death cook-off for their kangaroo and fake bordelaise sauce. C’est la vie with redcurrant jelly, I guess, it’s the end!