Cablevision: Game of Thrones, Season 3, Episode 6
Season 3, Episode 6: “The Climb”
This week in Westeros, everyone is striving to climb out of the chaos and try not to fall. Oh no wait, the chaos is the ladder, so they’re using the chaos to distract everyone, while they try to climb to the… non-chaos? It made more sense when Littlefinger said it.
Anyway Robb is marring Walder Frey’s daughter to Edmure for safe passage, and all Edmure wants to know is “can I look at her first?” Bran is busy judging a “Who Can Skin A Rabbit Better?” competition and Jojen is having dreams of Jon Snow (not sexy dreams, unless!).
We’re supposed to be feeling bad for Theon, who is probably in the most chaotic situation – being tortured by a man with no apparent motive* – but like, whose got the time? Probably the most distressing image was Brienne in a fluffy, pink dress, Jaime getting sassy while bartering his return to King’s Landing (he’s baaaaack!) and then his face falling when he realises Brienne can’t go with him.
But this week it’s all about climbing! Newly deflowered Jon Snow is feeling pretty nervous about climbing the big, snowy mountain on the way to the Wall, but Ygritte is PSYCHED. She says that the shoes she brought for Jon may be “too big” and it’s unclear if she’s making a penis joke. Then she brings up the fact that he invented oral sex the other day, and he’s like “not in front of the guys!” Dude! You should be high fiving everyone in high fiving distance!
Ygritte is like “Nah, you’re a great lover. Also, I know you’re still a Crow but I’m your woman now so be loyal to me”. She says some pretty self-aware stuff about the fact that it doesn’t matter if you’re a Crow or a Wilding, you’re still just a dispensable soldier; the only people they should be loyal to is each other.
Then she says “I’ll cut off your pretty cock and wear it round my neck!” Phew! That’s our girl. (Insight – Jon Snow has a pretty cock?)
It turns out Jon Snow wasn’t just being a Wuss Snow; the mountain is actually the worst. After half their company falls to their death, Garth from The Office decides he better cut Jon and Yggy free just in case, but they survive! And they make it to the top! And they survey the most beautiful looking Warhammer set anyone has ever seen! And they kiss! It’s like The Notebook, but with more snow and prettier cocks!
She tells Thoros that he was meant to turn Robb away from his idols and onto the Lord of Light! Thoros is like “yeah, about that…” So it turns out the Tori and Thoros are old pals, but when she meets Beric even Tori is like “wtf, how is this guy even alive?” Let’s get real here. Beric must be a pretty shithouse fighter if he has died SIX TIMES.
Anyway Thoros says that he didn’t even believe in the Lord of Light when he brought Beric back the first time, he just said the words and voila! The world’s worst warrior starting breathing! Tori is like “Hmm, that’s weird. OK, I’ll just take Gendry and I’ll be off!”
Gendry is upset because he thought they were all brothers and Arya says, “You’re not doing this for your god, you’re doing this for gold!” affectively summing up U.S foreign policy from 2001 – 2009. Tori says that Gendry can make “kings rise and fall” but Arya isn’t buying it and says “I SAW TORI AMOS WITH THE DEVIL!”. Tori fixes her with a steely glare and then says, “Whatever. BTW, I can see in you’re eyes you’re going to kill three people. OK, LATERZ!”
In the biggest televisual showdown since Rosie and Elizabeth, Lady Olenna and Tywin Lannister are discussing who of their children are hooking up with whom. Olenna thinks that the Loras/Cersei match is a rank idea. “She’s beautiful!” says Tywin, his face almost cracking as he attempts a convincing smile. “Ugh, she’s basically menopausal,” says Olenna.
They have some excellent banter and then Tywin is like “So Loras… gay/not gay?” Olenna assures him that indeed Loras is a “sword swallower” but who hasn’t engaged in that sort of tomfoolery? Not Tywin, that’s for sure! He doesn’t even know what that is! He wouldn’t even know how! (The more he protests, the more I think that he definitly has a secret husband in Quarth or something). Then Lady Olenna says the best thing that has ever been uttered on GoT/in ANYONE’S LIFE:
“True. We don’t tie ourselves in knots for a discrete bit of buggery.”
EVERYONE GO HOME!
Tywin threatens to make Loras a King’s Guard so he can’t marry anyone and Joffrey will inherit the Tyrell’s’ everything. Lady Olenna says, “Right, so you allow your children to have sex with each other and I’m the deviant? “ Then she takes his conflict-avoidance quill and snaps his
penis quill in half.
Basically Olenna is the only one in King’s Landing who isn’t afraid of Tywin. But you know who is? Every other Lannister! Cersei and Tyrion are briefly on the same team while they watch Loras and Sansa adorably try to communicate (“So…what are you thinking of wearing to the wedding?). Even though Sansa is annoying, I really did want her to get married to Loras and was looking forward to the gay revelation (“you have sex HOW?”). They would have been King’s Landing’s Will and Grace!
But it looks like the triple wedding is going full steam ahead. Tyrion says sadly “I wonder who is getting the worst deal – LOL though, it’s definitely Loras”. Maybe Cersei has been on the wines again, but she admits that Tyrion did save the city that time, and she’s grateful, and also it was Joffrey who ordered the hit on Tyrion during the battle. Motivation is unclear, but it’s probably all that slapping. Cersei then says “So… Margaery is a whore, right?”
But we can’t forget that most of the shenanigans that happen in King’s Landing have little to do with the Lannisters, and in fact have little to do with politics. Littlefinger says to Lord Varys what we’ve all been thinking, “Idiot. You think I don’t know you’ve been talking to Ros?” Now Littlefinger is sailing away without Sansa and poor ol’ Ros has been given to Joffrey for shooting practice :(
Chaos! Ladders! Etc.
*I have a feeling that Theon is with Bolton’s men, mainly because Bolton seems pretty keen on making some hostage money. But figuring that out would require me to think about Theon, which I actively try not to do.