Cablevision: Game of Thrones, Season 3, Ep 8

So you know when you’re trying to kill a lamb, but then it sees your knife and it turns into un-delicious panic meat? Yeah, neither do I. But whatever, because this week everyone in Westeros is running like little lambs, from threats they expect and right into the ones that they don’t.

But we all know that you don’t make friends with salad! Sometimes a coupla lambs gotta end up on Sam Kekovich’s plate and there ain’t nothing you can do about it. Arya is one little lamb who wants to do the stabbing herself, but the Hound is all “I’d like to see you try”.

Even though Arya is less than stoked to be sharing apples with the Hound, he reckons she could do a lot worse. “My brother once killed a guy for snoring, and I haven’t even raped you, so YOU’RE WELCOME by the way,” says the Hound. He then tells Arya, who is still a young child, about the time rapists nearly raped her sister and how they would have done it, before revealing that he’s taking her to Edmure Tully’s wedding THANK GOD. The Hound’s plan is to say “Mazel Tov!” and then exchange Arya for mad Stark $$$. Please, PLEASE let this work out Lord of Light!

Speaking of things that don’t make sense, Dany, Jorah and Barriston are still looking at things in Yunkai. This time they’re looking at a group of warriors called the Second Sons, and Jorah warns that they’re cash for kill army led by a dangerous bastard. Dany is like, “Then what are we doing here? Let’s go threaten him!”

Dany meets with the leader Mero and his lieutenants Prendah and Daario (or The Chief and Legolas). Mero waltzes in, calls Khaleesi a prostitute and does a weird thing with his mouth, so I’m guessing he’s kind of like the Russell Brand of Braavos. Russell is all, “come on, sit on my lap” and the Khaleesi is like “want me to cut off your dick? Check out this math: you have 2,000 men and I have 10,000, so you better join forces with me or ELSE.”

Jorah makes a rhyme (seriously, what are the Khaleesi paying these dudes for?), Russell Brand tries to sniff Missandei’s vagina and Legolas says, “Um… do you even have a ship?” The Khaleesi, confused that someone has actually asked about her thought process, says, “Um… well, no. But I move pretty fast?”

“Really?” – entire audience of Game of Thrones.

They have two days to decide. Russell Brand is like “Cool – so should I look at your vagina now, or?” He says something about group sex, slaps Missandei on the arse and saunters out. Khaleesi has been playing nice but her eyes narrow. Obvi this guys has not heard of the cinders formerly known as the misogynist of Astapor.

But it turns out the Khaleesi’s doesn’t have to make anyone cinders, because Russell and co. are plenty good at killing each other. One minute you’re taking a bath and the next, someone is chucking heads on your floor and declaring their allegiance to you! Khaleesi rewards Legolas by letting him see her naked and is like “Do you SWEAR?” as if that means anything, and he does! This storyline is absolutely RACING forward!

Elsewhere, Melisandre/Tori Amos is a woman with a plan. She’s brought Gendry to Stannis’ lair to kill him and use his blood for magic – but there’s plenty of time for that! “Take a bath, relax… I’ll visit you later,” says Tori with a wink. Stannis looks crestfallen and is all “I thought that was our thing?” Sure Gendry’s gonna die, but he may as well get lucky first.

But this isn’t really sitting well with Stannis, so he visits his old mate Davos, who is busy being adorable. Stannis is all “So… how’s prison? “And explains the whole lamb thing to him. “But you know, I’m totally on board,” says Stannis. “Yeah I feel really good about it – I NEVER ASKED TO BE KING, IT’S MY DUTY SHUT UP!”

Um, first of all Stannis you’re not king and the Onion Knight ain’t no chump who is just going to alleviate your guilt. Davos kind of looks at him with pity, sort of like Kim when Kanye walked into the sign, but Stannis is all “I’m only going to let you out if you agree that MAGIC IS REAL ™ because I saw a vision of a great battle in the snow! Also please don’t try and kill Tori again! Also, remember the smoke monster?” Davos is like “ugh, fml”.

Meanwhile Gendry is touching stuff in his room and thrilling Tori with tales of his childhood, ho ho the days of eating “bowls of brown” filled with mystery meats! Tori is like “Ugh, get naked already”  Apparently this whole time Gendry has been packing heat under that leather shirt, but the affect is lost when he squeaks, “this isn’t very religious!”

All of a sudden everyone is naked and boning, and Tori is screaming “FIGHT DEATH WITH ME!” which doesn’t occur to Gendry as bizarre pillow talk. Then the king’s bastard is all tied up (not in a saucy way) and covered in leeches. Stannis and Davos walk in, and it turns out that Tori was just trying to prove magic to Davos! She chucks the leeches in the fire, Stannis chants his enemies names and apparently that’s enough proof that MAGIC IS REAL ™. Davos is like “Um, can you get dressed now?”

In King’s Landing it’s the day of Tyrion and Sansa’s weddings and everyone is dressed and has no plans of getting naked, thank you very much. Tyrion says “Do you have to keep talking in that robot voice?” and takes her hand, promises not to hurt her and says “Sansa, why you babysittin' only 2 or 3 shots? I’ma show you how to turn it up a notch”.

Just in case Sansa wasn’t feeling absolutely suicidal already, Joffrey decides to walk her down the aisle and remind her that her father is dead. And to hide Tyrion’s stool, so Sansa has to bend down for her wedding cape. And to threaten to rape her later. And to say to everyone at the wedding “Hey guys! Let’s take off all of Sansa’s clothes and carry them both to bed and humiliate them!”

Tyrion may be drunk, but he’s not taking any of Joffrey’s shit. “I’LL GIVE YOU A WOODEN COCK!” he slurs at him, dripping wine all down his wedding suit. “I gotta go consummate this marriage, brb!” He saves Sansa from Joffrey (again), notices that she has a really long neck and refuses to have sex with her. He’s all “Don’t get me wrong, I could do it but I don’t want to, GOOD DAY!” and passes out. Sure it’s all really bad, but it’s kind of nice to have drunk, slutty Tyrion back.

But Cersei and Loras’ wedding probably won’t be as jolly – but boy oh boy will there be wine! Margaery is all “Cers we gonna be sisters! Even though you’re much older, and have less perky breasts! I’ll be the Sybil to your Edith!” and Cersei looks at her like she’s suggested eating a hair sandwich for lunch. She tells Margaery about another wealthy family who crossed the Lannisters, who were then slaughtered and hung outside their house to rot. “Even the children!” she says cheerfully, and Margery then looks like she’s actually eaten that hair sandwich.

The usually composed Tyrells are starting to feel the strain. Margaery just keeps manically smiling at everyone while contemplating being terminated in her sleep, Lady Olenna is trying to figure out who is related to who now and Loras is having a hissy fit. He does try and have a cool conversation with Cersei, but she’s too busy drinking wine and wishing she had a penis to care.

But then having a penis is not always a guarantee for your protection. Deep in the woods, Sam and Gilly have seemingly stumbled on to the set of The Birds and before you can ask yourself “what is a wink?” a white walker is coming straight for Gilly’s baby! He shatters Sam’s sword! He kind of looks like Tywin?

Luckily Sam pulls out that dragonglass knife he found beyond the Wall, and kills the white walker dead! Maybe this guy is actually way more resourceful than we gave him – wait, did he just drop the knife? Is he leaving it behind?

Never mind.

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1 comments so far..

  • Boris's avatar
    Date and time
    Friday 24 May 2013 - 9:17 PM
    This is just awful. Did you just complete Year 10 or are you just a twat?
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