Episode two, coming atcha. We open at Jackie’s with Jackie’s mum and her professional rockstar husband Ben. The mum wants to talk about babies and maybe Ben’s “chubby”.
The mum reckons Jackie needs a baby. Jackie recounts a time when she was hugging her nephew and her father seemed to accuse her of child abduction yelling: “GET YOUR OWN CHILD”.
The mum guilts the two of them into child birth because Jackie is getting past her expiry date. She is 35 after all. She’s basically a mummified corpse. Ben is bored by it all.
Lydia is back ordering Joanna around. They are driving to the Porsche shop because MONEY. This time Lydia sits in the front seat with Joanna. Bless her, she is mixing with ‘the help’. What a saint. But she is still treating her like she’s some loose unit L-plater. Lydia says she is going to miss her time with Joanna.
Joanna feels the same.
Lydia is going to miss their chats about life, toilet cleaner and laundry detergent. She says, “Joanna is becoming a very confident driver. She’s not quite there but almost.” Joanna looks for her closest exit, deliberately jumping to her freedom or untimely death.
We’re at the Porsche shop with Andrew and Porsche guy. Lydia reminds us that her husband is madly in love with her and keeps him busy with all their filthy sexcapades. Lydia says she likes driving her Porsche fast and hard. Get it? Like Andrew’s big D. But now Andrew has left and Lydia is flirting her face off with Porsche guys.
Wait, stop everything. Figaro is wearing PANTS.
We change now to Gina rocking up to dinner with Pettifleur. They’re legit friends. Gina is dressed as Liberaci and Pettifleur came as a snow leopard.
Pettifleur is still annoyed with Lydia for telling Gamble all the juicy juice. Geez, that was an entire episode ago. Gina says Lydia is all tea and shade. Reminds her, she did it to her in season one with Jackie. Gina again is being super nice until she brings up Pettifleurs silly foreign accent that she has, which is her fault. They end by agreeing that from now on they will shut up and back each other up. Looks like mime it is. They are two peas in a fabulously dressed pod.
— LK (@L093A) February 28, 2016
Janet comes to Jackie’s. Ben’s not drinking the booze and Jackie’s mocktails taste like poison. Lucky she doesn’t do this for a living, hey, hey?
Janet says she is catching up with her ex-husband Brian. Janet’s earring falls off and Jackie says this is a sign from the heavens, to believe in the angels and sex up Brian real good. Ben says something and Jackie asks Ben if he is thinking from a mans perspective? Hmm. Yeah probably.
Pettifleur’s estranged son of a few days is over at hers. She shows him an understated portrait of her on display which is basically glorified fan art. The son likes it. The art world doesn’t. Stick to 1D and Taylor Swift, my friend.
I love this painting and so would hang this in the centre of the room. pic.twitter.com/fMqpCc8kZ1
— Pettifleur Berenger (@Pettifleur) February 28, 2016
Pettifleur is sad he moved out, so she reminds him he’s her firstborn and she will need his blood as a sacrifice. Pettifleur gets teary and the son says he’s only seen her cry four times, sad music plays. But then she cries. THAT’S FIVE. Gotcha, Mum!
Susie and Gamble are out together driving to Chaddy Shopping Centre. Gamble apologizes to her about storming out, which she’s contractually obligated to do every 20 minutes. Susie is talking about being single. Gamble says she’d be surprised if she will be single for much longer with such a red-hot body. Gamble is reconsidering the wedding.
Looks like no one is at the shopping centre today. How convenient. They meet Chyka at Pottery Barn. Gamble talks about buying a drinks tray as a wedding gift, says that she hopes their marriage will lead to Wolfie’s impending alcoholism.
They all bitch about Lydia and warn Gamble. Susie says don’t trust her and thinks Lydia is using Gamble because she wants to get to queen Gina. Cue Lydia walking in.
Susie and Chyka hide in bed together. Chyka says she does this a lot. Gamble tells Lydia what Susie said. Lydia fires up, Susie is being a total nasty pastie, comes out with: “slow down girlfriend, just wait your turn”. Trash talk at its finest. Lydia says Susie is “such a two face”.
She pulls it off well.
Lydia gets up the courage to walk two metres and confronts Susie to ask why she is getting involved. Susie says Lydia is pushing Pettifleur out of the group, adding that all Lydia’s days consist of is changing outfits on her dog.
BUT HE LOOKS FABULOUS.
They sass at each other. It seems Susie is just jelly that Lydia doesn’t want to jump into bed with her and tries to drag Chyka into it the argument which shows how little she knows about the dynamics of the show. Chyka cries ‘Switzerland’ and opts out of another war.
Janet and Brian meet up. He tries to mindfuck her over when they broke up, gives some ‘perception’ garbage. To the left, to the left. In. The. Bin. He tries to win her back by telling her he once had a happy ending from a ‘Turkish wrestler’.
Thank you for those nightmares.
We are now at the gym with Pettifleur and her personal trainer Mel a.k.a fitness Hitler. Pettifleur is looking gym-ready in a casual full face of makeup with false eyelashes and contour. But her hair is in a PONYTAIL. Super casual. Mel takes water off Pettifleur denying her of her basic human rights. They engage in some dirty talk over who’s the boss. It’s all very arousing. Then Susie rocks up, they pretend to stretch and decide to organise a horse riding trip without Lydia. Shady ladies.
Gamble has her final wedding dress fitting. Gina meets up and sasses the designer, Alin. He is treated like the anti-christ by Gina, who acts like Gamble found him in the gutter.
Jackie, Janet, Susie and Pettifleur go horse riding. Pettifleur wins the day with this outfit.
— Pettifleur Berenger (@Pettifleur) February 28, 2016
Susie loves smelling horses, Jackie can’t ride for shit, boobs are flopping about, pain is felt by all.
Meanwhile at Lydia’s house, Lydia is in a photoshoot for her blog. Which is a thing that people do. Apparently. She looks fucking gorgeous. Wooooooow.
Gamble arrives at Lydia’s photoshoot. They think Susie is jealous of Lydia, that Susie is a sad ol’ singleton and she should focus on her own love life. Gamble says Susie has a ‘vandetta’ against Lydia and was ‘gunging up on her’.
Back with the horsies, the girls stand on a hill. Susie pipes up AGAIN about Lydia, reveals Lydia spread rumours about her sleeping around with married men. Jackie says that Lydia has spoken about all the ladies and they would be in shock horror to hear what she’s said. Jackie is being nasty, what happened to light and love and shine, shine, shine?!