The Broken Man wasted no time. Even before the intro music, we knew exactly who the title was referring too, it’s Sandor Clegane, a.k.a The Hound!
He’s back, having been healed by a friendly non zealous religious person, and helping build a small community, at this moment a sept to pray in.
The sept building site is an OHS nightmare, but we won’t get into that.
In case you’re worried that The Hound has gone soft and found God/s, when the septor asks him what motivated him to heal, he responded ‘Hate’.
— GameOfThrones Reacts (@GameThroneReact) June 6, 2016
So there you go, he’s still an angry bastard, albeit, our angry bastard. Cranky pants on, we lunge into the episode.
Next we’re at Kings Landing, as Queen Madge is having a quiet chat with the High Sparrow. She’s reading from the holy scripts, but is worried that while she’s religious and pities the poor, she doesn’t really love them… you know? Not really.
High Sparrow sets her straight and then admonishes her for not sleeping with the king, in much the way we all expect an elderly priest to be keeping tabs on our sex lives.
— Night's King (@SerWhiteWalker) June 6, 2016
She promises to get back on the horse, then the High Sparrow mentions that her Grandmother is also proving to be an issue and hints at something more sinister.
Madge goes and has a chat with Lady Tyrell, a true cranky pants if ever there was one.
Lady Tyrell has a dig at Sister Unella (who only exists for High Born characters to insult), then tells Madge to stop acting like a religious freakazoid, never an easy conversation with a family member.
But Madge is singing loudly from the Holy Scriptures, telling Lady Tyrell she needs to come around and accept the new order, as well as saying she’ll never leave Kings Landing or her husband.
— Game Of Owns (@GameOfOwns) June 6, 2016
She does, though, slip Lady Tyrell a small note when Sister Unella isn’t looking. Gotcha!
We then head north, as Jon Snow through this episode begs a few old allies of the Stark’s to join him in his attack on Bolton held Winterfell.
First up, he’s with the Wildlings and they agree to help, as the alternative is getting butchered by the Night King, or other houses. They complete the arrangement in much the same way my father sold me to that old Chinese labour house, with a firm handshake.
Back south, Cersei visits old Lady Tyrell to hatch a new cunning plan. But in a short and sweet scene, Lady Tyrell tells her how vile she is, how amazingly stupid she is, and that she’s leaving Kings Landing for High Garden, and if Cersei had any sense she’d try to leave as well. BOOM!
— Tyrion Lannister (@GoT_Tyrion) June 7, 2016
I wept, truly I did. Imagine being able to call Cersei Lannister on all the awful selfish shit she’s pulled over the years. Lady Tyrell, my heart sings to thee.
Jamie Lannister’s arrives at Riverrunn, taking over the armies from some silly Frey’s, and with Bron in tow. Good to have you back Bron, the quips weren’t as sharp nor the ale as sweet with your absence.
Jaime and Bron are the comedy duo you never knew you needed #GameofThrones
— Marga Sayo (@margasayo) June 6, 2016
The Frey boys have threatened to hang Blackfish’s nephew Edmure and then to slit his throat.
Blackfish watches on from Riverrunn’s walls, harbouring the same expression an unyielding contestant in ‘Deal or No Deal’ might harbour, you know “Mmm surrendering seems tempting Andrew, but I really want to see what’s in briefcase 5 so… No Deal”.
He’s not really phased either way.
They don’t hurt Edmure after all, but Jamie slaps one for not following through with a threat. Lesson learned.
We’re back north, Jon Snow, Lord Davos and Sansa Stark are meeting with Lady Mormont of Bear Island. She’s about 6, but speaks with the aggression of a 2 year old.
After some toing and froing she agrees to assist them with the mighty forces of Bear Island. All 62 blokes. Big woop.
— Daenerys Targaryen (@Daenerys) June 6, 2016
Back north, Jon Snow, Lord Davos and Sansa Stark are trying to convince Lord Glover to assist them, but for Robb’s failed rebellion, and lack of Stark-help in fighting back the Iron Born, it’s a big ‘no’ from House Glover. Can’t win them all though ayyy.
We’re then over in the Iron Isles, Yara Greyjoy has taken her company to a brothel for some R and R, before heading over the Meeren in an attempt to align herself with Daenerys. Those two would make the hottest couple this side of the seven kingdoms.
She’s slapping arse and groping girls with the best of them, but noticeably irksome with Theon for not wanting to get into the spirit of things.
Poor Theon. He used to live for this sort of thing. But then, in a move straight out of modern psychology for torture victims, she flat tells him to get with the program and stop being all mopey and useless, instead get shitfaced drunk and fully devote himself to her cause.
Theon drinks deeply and promises he will.
— King Renly Baratheon (@Renly_B) June 6, 2016
Well then, mental scars from years of torture and having your penis dismembered is cured it seems.
Back with Jon Snow and Sansa believes his forces are too small, and then chides him for listening to Lord Davos so closely. Jon says their current spot and forces are as good as it’ll get, and they’re attacking Winterfell as soon as possible.
Sansa slips away and sends a raven in a very hush hush manner that suggests a plot twist in an episode or two.
Back to The Hound, and it seems he’s liking life with these simple folk. Cutting wood, talking a little smack with the leader, cutting more wood. He could get used to this.
Hound swinging that ax like the wood owes him something. #GameofThrones
— Awesomely Luvvie (@Luvvie) June 6, 2016
The leader is addressing the group when some knights ride up, they leave uttering: “The night is dark and full of terrors”, the extremely paranoid credo of the Lord of the Light’s followers.
The Hound believes they should kill those knights, the leader of the group thinks that’s a bit of overkill.
Over in Bravos, Ayra is back in full Ayra swagger. Throwing down coin at a Westerosi sea captain, telling him they’ll be leaving at dawn, and throwing an extra bag down for good measure. Make it rain, Lady Stark!
But, as suspected, the murderous girl from the House of the Faceless God gets to Ayra. Disguised as an old lady, she approaches Ayra on a bridge, and stabs her in the stomach repeatedly. Ayra falls off the bridge, and doesn’t resurface immediately.
But Ayra isn’t dead. She climbs out of the water, and with blood dripping from her stomach, begins to walk down a street, onlookers really not to fussed to help the wet and bloody little girl seemingly on her last legs.
— Jon Snow (@LordSnow) June 6, 2016
Finally, back to The Hound and guess what, the Hound goes away to cut more wood and Oh My God in a move that will shock no body, those knights returned and killed everyone while The Hound was away. They even strung up and hung that septor in the sept he was building. Is that irony? Probably.
The Hound gets that look on the part of his face, picks up an axe, and in the full knowledge that next episode we’ll be seeing him brutally and righteously cutting down his enemies, the producers feel warm and fuzzy enough to call the episode to a close.
— IG: Sil_Lai (Abrams) (@Sil_Lai) June 6, 2016
And here we are. Tune in next time as The Hound discovers how to use makeup to hide his disfigurement, and Bran learns to walk on his hands.
Word by William Henderson
Header via HBO.