Ah episode 6, you were full of surprises. Usually the few episodes before 9 and 10 are a bit of a drag. Not today sir. People returning, new characters etching out a place in the world, unfamiliar horizons to venture into, and… DRAGONS.
We start where we left, Bran is being dragged through the snow by Meera, White Walker undead catching up, ready to mow down our youthful heroes.
Meera is doing all the hard yacka, trying to save Bran from being slaughtered. Bran is warging his brain out, positively tripping balls on his ability to mentally move through space and time.
— Davina Applebum (@vinabean) May 30, 2016
He’s like a living 90’s commercial on how drugs will make you all distant and listen to too much Tool.
They’re saved. A mysterious man dressed in the black robes of the Night’s Watch saves the day, but doesn’t reveal his identity yet. Game of Thrones editors sure are becoming a dab hand at dishing out suspense evenly but fairly.
— Jessica Derschowitz (@jessicasara) May 30, 2016
We then head south, to the castle of the Lord Tarly, where Sam is returning home, with Gilly. At dinner, Sam’s brother joins them at the table, the kind of private school wanker who you reckon was laughing at your beat up 1992 Mazda Eclipse that one time at that party in Kew.
Sam’s father, Lord Randall Tarly, already has a reputation for unkindness to Sam. You’ll be pleased to note that he more than lives up to it. He dishes out enough weight-related quips to inspire a lifetime worth of eating disorders, before reinstating that Sam was never worthy to be his heir or to inherit the family sword ‘Heartsbane’, and that Sam needs to leave.
Heartsbane!! (TAMW you get more excited by the introduction of a new sword than a new character…) #GameofThrones
— Michelle &/or Masha (@cantarmbaratrex) May 30, 2016
Sam’s dad gathers that Gilly is a Wildling. He doesn’t have much time for Wildlings, as it happens, and hates Sam, her and the whole damn situation all the more for it.
After dinner, Gilly and Sam are having a tear jerking goodbye in her sleeping quarters. Gilly says he isn’t who he think he is- which is as sweet as it is confusing.
But no, after leaving for a second, Sam returns! Says they’re a family, that they’re coming with him, and he steals his dad’s badass family sword ‘Heartsbane’ for good measure! Fwoarrr!! Gilly notes that Lord Tarly will probably come after him for that sword.
~Looking forward to that episode~
Off to Kings Landing, where King Tomen is again having a chat with the High Sparrow, whose hold on the young king is getting deeper every week. He even allows him to visit Margaery.
During that meeting, it seems as she’s come down with a serious case of the religious extremist bonker-itis, saying that she’s a sinner, the Sparrows are radcore and that they all need to atone, including her brother Loras.
Everyone else is playing checkers.
Margaery Tyrell is playing chess. #GameofThrones
— Ellie Hall (@ellievhall) May 30, 2016
Tomen is taken in by all this. But they’re getting nervous about her walk of atonement. Sister Unella has probably been refining her vocals for the huge ‘Shame!’ fest.
Much like Coachella, but less offensive.
We head east to Ayra in Bravos, where she’s taking in that play about the death of King Joffrey in Westeros. It’s a great joy reliving it all.
DIE, JOFFREY, DIE. Fun for the whole family.
She is about to make her move to poison the talented actress playing Cersei.
— Saladin Ahmed (@saladinahmed) May 30, 2016
As the play is finishing, she slips behind the stage to empty a bottle of poison in the actress’ wine bladder. But as she’s leaving, the actors return backstage.
She finds herself speaking to the goodly actress she’s trying to poison, but just as the actress was going to drink and poison herself, Ayra knocks the cup from her hand. The girl with no name finds her moral compass.
Great Arya. You quit the sidequest early. We gained no EXP and only got this dumb alternate outfit. #GameofThrones
— Missandrei (@SupDre) May 30, 2016
The nasty girl from the house of the Many Faced God sees what she’s done, and reports it back to Jaqen H’Ghar at the house. He is having a whale of a time peeling off faces from dead folk.
She asks if she may kill Ayra and H’Ghar consents, requesting that she doesn’t make Ayra suffer.
The fact that he even has to say it, indicates that this isn’t her first rodeo.
We’re back at Kings Landing, with Jamie and Lord Tyrell marching up the street with their sizable forces, preparing to chew bubblegum and kick ass to prevent Margaery from taking her walk of atonement.
There are two kinds of #GameofThrones tweeters: people who think the High Sparrow is a self-righteous nut, and people I need to unfollow.
— Joy Reid (@JoyAnnReid) May 30, 2016
They front up to the steps, getting ready for a bloody massacre, with Lady Madge standing there. The crowd is tense, everything is tense. Even old Lady Tyrell has taken a break from picking the wings off flys to come and see blood.
She’s to be disappointed. The High Sparrow, in an M. Night Shyamalan worthy twist, brings forth King Tomen, stating how Tomen is now a devoted Sparrow, that the King and the Church are now a holy unity, and that Margaery doesn’t need to take the walk.
We cut to the throne room, Jamie is almost in trial for putting an army in front of the sept, with Tomen clearly under the influence of the High Sparrow. Tomen tells him he isn’t to be locked away, or punished, but sent away.
Sparrows: 1. Lannisters and Tyrells: 0.
— ester (@jamjefraser) May 30, 2016
We head north to The Twins, and we meet our old friend Lord Frey, who is still the most horrible man in Westeros over 80 years old. He is slapping his teenage wife’s ass and berating his sons for losing the castle Riverrun to Blackfish.
Watch out ladies, he’s one wife execution away from being single.
He instructs his sons to take it back, and has an ace up his sleeve. He’s got Edmure Tully, Blackfish’s nephew, as hostage. He tells his boys to wave the knives that were used to kill Blackfish’s kin around Blackfish’s face to goad him into attacking them. Man knows subtle diplomacy.
We move back to Kings Landing, as Jamie has been told he’s off to assist the Frey’s in taking back Riverrun. He isn’t too keen. The scene then disintegrates into incest between him and Cersei, a sentence we all utter far too much when watching this damn show.
#GameofThrones is definitely the only show that will get you to cheer for incest…
— dustyDVD (@dustyDVDblog) May 30, 2016
North of the wall, the stranger who saved Bran and Meera is doing Jamie Oliver proud, whipping up some delish rabbit blood in a cup for Bran.
He reveals himself as Benjen Stark, Ned Stark’s brother- not seen since season one. Benjen explains that he was captured by White Walkers, but while undergoing the transformation process, the Children of the Forrest rescued him.
What goes unexplained is why he is now pockmarked, and the viewer stuck believing that being turned into a White Walker brings on adult acne.
Not only did no Starks die this episode, we actually gained one… #GameofThrones
— Tyrion Lannister (@GoT_Tyrion) May 30, 2016
Benjen also mentioned that it’s Bran’s job to eventually stop the Night King, a.k.a the head White Walker. Way to pass the buck to the handicapped child, Captain Coward.
Finally, we end with dragons. Daenerys is riding with the Dothraki horde back to Meeren to unify her forces. She rides a little ahead, Drogon the Dragon appears, she’s on his back, and gives a little speech saying how all the Dothraki are now her blood riders, the Dothraki equivalent of Oprah saying:
“You get a dragon, and you get a dragon!!”
— Dylan Jobe (@DylanJobe) May 30, 2016
We leave it there. Had some laughs, killed some time. Tune in next week when The Mountain discovers flower arrangement, and Jamie learns to jerk-off with his non preferred hand.
Words by William Henderson.
Header via HBO.