Final episode is here of Game of Thrones season 6. Get amongst it! The haters have hated all season long, saying nothing much is happening, that it’s gone soft and predictable.
Well haters gonna hate, potatoes gonna potate and GoT is going to stick sharp objects where they don’t belong and fuck shit up in the process.
We start in Kings Landing, as everyone’s gearing up for the trial of Cersei and Loras Tyrell. Loras is up first, he begs to be allowed to join the Faith Militant and they let him in with some merry banter and a firm handshake.
Nah, just kidding. They torture him and carve their symbol into his forehead right there and then. Loras takes it well, but his sister, Madge, is pretty miffed. Then it’s time for Cersei, BUT she isn’t there- and neither is the Grand Maester and King Tommen.
Oh Loras, you'll never get a job in retail now. #GameofThrones
— Leigh Bardugo (@LBardugo) June 27, 2016
The Grand Maester follows a small child and it’s there that Qyburn reveals himself, says he’s very sorry, and his little children of the Korn stab the Grand Maester to death. Right in the face. Told you about the pointy objects.
King Tommen did want to go, he was all dressed up and everything, outfit on fleek. But Sir Gregor was standing in the way. And if Sir Gregor is in the way, then the way might as well be a brick wall. So Tommen stays put…for now.
The Queen isn’t there but as a gift to the congregation though, she sets fire to all the wildfire that we learnt the Mad King Aerys had stored underneath the great sept.
— Jon Snow (@JonNightsWatch) June 27, 2016
The whole thing explodes spectacularly. The. Whole. Fucking. Thing. And everyone in it dies.
That’s Queen Madge, all the Sparrows including the High Sparrow, all the Tyrell’s except the granny who’s back in High Garden, and pretty much everyone who recently has been mean to Cersei. That’ll teach them.
She doesn’t get everything to her exact satisfaction, as King Tommen, with the door no longer serviceable, decides to jump out the window instead. It was really unexpected and truly turned things on its head plot wise. Brava to the producers!
— Melanie Iglesias (@MelanieIglesias) June 28, 2016
So he’s dead too.
So at the end of the day, everyone in Kings Landing is dead, save Cersei and her motley crew of misfits and journeymen psychopaths. Cersei is proclaimed Queen, and Kings Landing is again a Lannister stronghold. Brutal, clean, epic and again, brava!!
— Bryan Behar (@bryanbehar) June 28, 2016
Jamie and old Walder Frey are having a drink to celebrate their victory against the Blackfish and taking back Riverrun. Jamie clearly doesn’t like Walder Frey, but then again few do. Walder tells him they’re both king slayers. Not fully rad ultra fans of the band Slayer, rather both have killed respective kings.
The scene is a waste of time and only exists to foreshadow what comes later. Boo!
— Dannah Sanchez (@DannahSanc) June 27, 2016
We go south, where Sam Tarly, Gilly and little Sam arrive at the Citadel. Sam speaks to a scene stealing snarky jerk working. We’ve all come across this type of person before, and he’s only one 70’s style vest with Centrelink emblazoned onto it to getting a job in the Australian public service.
But yeah, Sam is in, their library looks ridonkulous, and we’re all good here until next season.
— Tyrion Lannister (@GoT_Tyrion) June 28, 2016
We go north, where the Starks are back in town. Jon is standing with Melisandre and Ser Davos comes forward. Davos lets it rip over her involvement in the death of Stanis’ daughter, Shireen.
Melisandre says she was only following orders from her mate, the Lord of Light. Ser Davos could have launched into the old ‘If the Lord of Light told you to jump off a bridge…’, but he’s been around too long to know that isn’t very effective.
Jon Snow settles it, she’s banished from the north. Doubt that’s the last we see of her.
— Caroline Siede (@CarolineSiede) June 27, 2016
Jon Snow and Sansa have a chat on the city’s walls. Basically they say they need to stick together, and Little Finger isn’t to be trusted. Later Little Finger bails up Sansa next to a Weirwood tree, saying he loves her, wants to be king with her by his side and tries to pash on.
But she’s wised up a little, and much like her mum, tells him to fuck off, but without words, just a gentle rebuke. Still, fuck off!
— Queen of Wakanda (@indierockbabe) June 27, 2016
Later, all the lords of the north are gathered in Winterfell to discuss where they all stand. Winter, has finally arrived. They all want to go home to settle in. Jon Snow says they cant, as the Night King is ready to attack.
They’re not too pleased, until Lady Mormont, at the mighty age of 8, calls them all cowards for not fighting under Jon, and demands they swear fealty. Out of shame and honour, they all change their tune and get with the program.
— Daniel Wright (@DanSWright) June 27, 2016
And so we leave the north. Old Olenna Tyrell is now in Dorne, and talking with the stupidly cartoonish sand vipers. Olenna is too quick for these fools.
She makes all the younger ones feel ashamed of their intellects with her verbal admonishments, and tells the new queen of Dorne that she’s cool with forming an alliance, and fucking everything up in Kings Landing for the Lannisters.
And we leave mercifully quickly, before the sand vipers and all their borderline Mexican racist caricatures can really sink in. Varys also sticks his bald head in a scene for some reason.
Anyone know where Varys bought his teleporter? #GameofThrones
— Torrance Coombs (@torrancecoombs) June 27, 2016
We zip off to Mereen, as Daenerys tells Daario that’s he’s not coming with her to Westeros, instead he and the Second Sons are going to keep the peace in Mereen and facilitate the election of a new government.
He doesn’t take it well, but who cares what he thinks, we only like him for the bod and the kill scenes.
— Screen Spinster (@WritingSpinster) June 20, 2016
Daenerys walks out of that room and speaks with Tyrion, who put her up to it. She’s sad that she’s not sad to be rid of Daario as a lover. Tyrion reminds her it’s the prudent thing to do, that she needs to be available for the potential of marriage in Westeros, even if she never intends to actually marry. A lover would be a hindrance… in Westeros and on Tinder.
She’s in a bit of a gushy mood, and gives Tyrion the pin that symbolises that he is the new Hand of the Queen. He’s chuffed.
Then they’re on a boat, her whole army is on boats in fact, sailing to Westeros to take back what’s hers. Varys is also there, somehow transporting from Dorne to the boat in what must have been record time.
— Tyler Gildin (@TylerGildin) June 27, 2016
Walder Frey is a bit pissy. He’s waiting for two of his sons to come and dine with him, but they aint there.
A timid serving girl tells him but they are there. At first I thought he was going senile, but he’ll have no such satisfaction. The server girl explains that the pie he’s eating is made of his sons, and he’s been eating his sons.
They all have a chuckle at the miscommunication and go home. Again, not likely. The girl takes her face off… it’s Ayra! She proudly asserts her name before a horrified Walder Frey, and slits his throat. More good times pending.
— The Pixel Factor (@ThePixelFactor) June 27, 2016
Uncle Benjin drops off Bran Stark and Meera Reed at the wall. He’d like to come with, but magic keeps his undead arse north of the wall. And off he pops.
Bran and Meera are under a Weirwood tree, so Bran decides to warg out for a while, eyeballs spinning like no bodies business. He sees his old man as a young man, beside his sister Leanna as she bleeds out from pregnancy. We learn that Jon Snow is her boy, not Ned’s, but the father isn’t officially said yet.
"Promise me, Ned." – Lyanna Stark
— Jon Snow (@LordSnow) June 27, 2016
There’ll be a special one off Jerry Springer episode for that revelation.
And that does it. Lannister’s back in charge down south, Stark’s back in charge up north. Daenerys on the move across the waves, Dorne and Highgarden going to attack from the south, the Night King to attack from the north and Winter has finally arrived.
— Robb Stark (@KingRobbStarkk) June 27, 2016
We’re all set up for season 7. Join us then as Ayra Stark learns the true meaning of Christmas, and Jamie Lannister’s actor quits and is replaced with Magda Szubanski.