The Reese Witherspoon conspiracy theory
It’s been a big year for Reese Witherspoon. She had a baby, made some movies, and rose from the dead. Ok, so she didn’t really rise from the dead, but she survived one of the worst fates that can befall a celebrity: she was killed off by the Internet* and lived to tell about it**.
Yes, just like Jeff Goldblum, Keanu Reeves and Justin Bieber before her, America’s favourite legal blonde was the victim of a death hoax in August. Reports that she had been fatally stabbed circulated on social media faster than you can say “bend and snap”, and secondary counter-reports that she had instead died of natural causes followed suit. Spokespeople for Witherspoon eventually quashed the rumours, putting tabloid reporters and THE INTERNET in their place. And thus everyone got on with their lives, their dreams of a sequel to Sweet Home Alabama still alive and well, just like Our Reese***.
But some of us (namely me) were not so easily convinced. Some of us (again me) have other theories, conspiracy theories, if you will. And now we are…oh fuck it…I AM ready to share these theories with you here, because I just can’t keep them quiet any more. Also because the FBI won’t take my calls.
Don’t get me wrong, I like Reese Witherspoon. I like her a lot. She was comically brilliant in Legally Blonde and Election, and her performance as June Carter-Cash in Walk the Line was breathtaking. She seems like a cool chick, a devoted mother, and someone you’d like to eat ice cream with when your boyfriend leaves you for Abbie Cornish. Plus she’s totally for gun control (http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/us-news-blog/2012/dec/21/beyonce-jamie-foxx-antigun-campaign) and probably loves puppies. But something just doesn’t add up. Something spooky.
I have begun to question Miss Witherpoon’s wholesome, down-home vibe, and also her earthly mortality. How can anyone, let alone a Hollywood starlet, be so charming, so lovable, so inherently good? Look at her with those eyes and that voice and that uncanny ability to avoid scandal and filth-mongering even while going through a divorce with her philandering husband and being forced (presumably at gunpoint) to star in This Means War. If she were any other famous actress she would have at least by now flashed a wayward boob at P-Diddy’s birthday party, or had John Stamos’ face tattooed on her neck while out on a drunken bender with Rihanna and the fat kid from Modern Family. But no girlfriend has kept it sane and sober since Cruel Intentions, without even a stint in rehab for “exhaustion” on her squeaky clean record.
It just doesn’t make any sense. And then there’s THE PROOF. THE PROOF is made up of four factors:
Reese Witherspoon helped Robert Pattinson hide from the media.
Following the news that Kristen Stewart had cheated on Robert Pattinson, Pattinson was said to have holed up in Witherspoon’s estate in Ojai, California. Having befriended R-Patz while filming Water for Elephants, and no stranger to a cheating scandal herself, it is alleged she extended the hand of comfort and covert living quarters while her former co-star worked out his next move.
This did not actually raise my unruly, ethnic eyebrows at first, seeming like an innocent act of kindness and friendship. But that was until the second factor of THE PROOF occurred.
Reese Witherspoon helped Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green hide their baby news.
Self-appointed celebrity power couple Brian Austin Green and Megan Fox had a baby a few months ago and managed to keep that fact a secret until they were ready to share the news/sell their baby photos to the highest bidder. But how did they pull that off? Two words: Reese Witherspoon. The couple credit the fact that Witherspoon’s baby boy Tennessee was born the day before (thus keeping all the paparazzi in California camped outside her hospital and free from bothering them) for the ability to stay mum on their newborn news. Clearly the fact that nobody cares what Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green do has entirely escaped Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green’s attention, so we’ll go with the Reese Witherspoon theory too.
But how does she do it? How does she help hide so many things? Is she a magician? Let’s examine THE PROOF factor number three:
Reese Witherspoon didn’t help anyone hide anything else but she did write an open letter to Naomi Watts offering to help her win an Oscar.
It’s true. Or at least the Internet says it’s true so it must be true. Witherspoon was so “blown away” by Watts’ performance in The Impossible that she wrote an open letter to the actress and shared it with Entertainment Weekly. Again, this in itself would not be cause for concern however the letter does include the following paragraph:
"If I have anything to do with it (and I will literally tap dance on Sunset Boulevard for you!), you will be holding every beautiful statue that exists by the end of February.“
So if Naomi Watts cleans up at this next year’s awardsapalooza you can be sure that Reese Witherspoon is behind it, and that dancing the ancient art of tap is the way through which she wields her magical superpowers.
Psst, Reese Witherspoon is eerie.
When you put ‘Reese Witherspoon’ into a dodgy anagram generator on the Internet you get a thousand phrases that don’t make any sense but one of those phrases is “eerie eh psst or now”. Yup, I know.
That’s all THE PROOF I have so far. Of course I’m still not sure what THE PROOF is proof of, but I’ve deduced that Miss All American must be one of the following things: A secret agent; a secret magician; a vampire; a clone of the real-but-now-deceased-due-to-a-fatal-stabbing Reese Witherspoon; God. They’re the only explanations that make any sense (to me). But whatever the truth, and who or whatever she is I’m pretty sure she comes in peace. Not even God could feign sweetness that convincingly.
*Or was she?
**Or did she?