Five Life Advice Tips for Justin Bieber

I’m a huge Justin Bieber fan. I really am. I proudly paid to go see him in concert earlier this year in London, I keep an angelic portrait of him on my kitchen door, and a couple of months ago I even wrote him this declaration of love

BUT: the best fans are those who dare to be critical of their idols, and lately J-Biebz has made some pretty questionable choices. So it’s with a certain ambivalence in my heart but a lot of fanboy love that I give you my Top Five Life Advice for Justin Bieber.

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1. Don’t be friends with Chris Brown


Gosh, it’s basic life advice for anyone, isn’t it? I was actually under the impression this stuff was taught in school these days, but since Justin was homeschooled and all, this particularly bad choice can be temporarily excused. 

Here’s the deal, though: JB, with all the badassing you’ve been doing lately—whether it’s true or made up by the press, which is probably the case with most of it—the absolute worst thing you can do is befriend a former wife beater, convicted felon, and all-round media enemy number one. Dump him. I’m sure he has some court-ordered community service to get on with, anyway.


2. You are not a large black man


I’m being careful with this one, firstly because it might come as a bit of a shock, and secondly because I’m thinking it might be a similar scenario to abruptly waking up a sleepwalker. But yup, you ain’t no black man, bro, and while it’s great that you embrace ghetto and bling culture, it is not synonymous with being black and it won’t make you any less of a white Canadian boy with a saintly choir boy voice. 

Why not make like your biggest idol MJ and encompass all races, sexes, cultures, religions and styles in one, larger-than-life package? That’s superstar behaviour. 


3. You are a skinny white boy


As above, but part two. Before gyms, stylists, and retouchers, Justin already had something model bookers and scrawny white boys could only long for: dreamy boyish looks, a naturally toned body, and talent to match that of a young (modern) Mozart. 

So why the bodybuilding? Why the high hair? Why the baggy clothes, large shoes, and odd harem trousers? You were born to be a hot androgynous rock star! You were born to wear Dior Homme, Saint Laurent, and Raf Simons! Hip-hop is passé. Nobody skates anymore. Jay-Z is wearing suits. Be swag. Get with the program.


4. Thug behaviour is boring and nobody cares


It would have been so much easier for Justin if he’d been a teenager in the 90s or even the early 00s when a mean thug was applauded for his bad behaviour. But these days, Mr Bieber, it takes a little more to shock. We’ve seen it all before: violent rapper megalomaniacs, self-destructive grunge boys, goth god provocateurs, stupid pop singers in fancy dress (there were even a few of those as recently as the 2013 VMAs) and the list goes on. Why not try something new? There’s a reason originals like Prince and Madonna are still around. 


5.   Stop taking your shirt off all the time


I can’t believe I’m saying this, but there really is such a thing as too much of a good thing – and the Bieber body is it. Justin, when you do it all the time you lose the mystery and we have nothing to look forward to. Taking your shirt off has become to you what sticking her tongue out has become to Miley, and although the whole world would rather be forced to look at your shirtless self in a torturous Alex-in-the-hospital-in-A-Clockwork-Orange manner than we would Miley’s tongue flashing, maybe you should put it away for now. Along with Chris Brown.

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Anders Christian Madsen

 

  • By Anders Christian Madsen